“Tally Ho bandyta na 6 o, zegar” - or words to that effect

The Bishop of Peterborough, a former Intelligence Corps rivet counter and somewhat expert in scale models and all things British Army militaria, was recently observed in the cockpit of a flying machine. My colleagues reckon it could be a very, very old Hughes 1 ? :)


Could it be that all those years working with the elite Imagery Analysts of the Royal Air Force he has finally succumbed to a bit of the high life ?


Perhaps someone has `Advised` him how to enjoy the trappings of superior accommodation when on business `Trips` abroad (that includes NY and North Wales as well bach !)



http://www.tripadvisor.in/members-reviews/Petriburg


All sensible answers on a post card (by the way are those terrible uniform pictures still selling ?) to:

c/o Geek Central
Tarpology Dept
The National Imagery Exploitation Centre
Cambridgeshire

Postcards still available here: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Intelligence-Corps-Postcard

"What to wear to the party" or "how to look good Pt 2"

As the next general election creeps inexorably towards us, generally discredited Westminster politicians are scrabbling around to try and find some form of unique selling point. With little or no compunction two of the major parties seem to have turned to the armed forces for some sort of implied credibility.

A number of websites and even pressure groups such as the well respected BAFF recognise the gaping chasm between Parliament and the Armed forces. BAFF has been doing some excellent work in this area, struggling to bring the political horse to water. perhaps fully cognizant that it is actually trying to drag a metaphorical pig, with its feet still firmly entrenched in the trough ?

The two major parties have both decided to turn to the Intelligence Corps, compounding the existing morass of judgement and credibility issues, The opposition have built on their investment with Brigadier Geoffery Van Orden ( made up name) . In terms of operational currency a bit behind his sell-by date, uniform no longer fits. perhaps not many medals either? Stick with the Savillle Row Geoff, know your limits!

Fortunately fresh, new blood is waiting in the wings in the shape of Captain Dylan Thomas a Conservative Defence researcher styled :

a former Officer in the Intelligence Corps who served on operations in Afghanistan, Iraq and Northern Ireland. He is also on the approved parliamentary candidates' list.

I shudder to ask what the criteria might be to get on a list to be an approved candidate of such a den of inequity. Notice that Dylan has opted for the casual informality of No1 Dress. In the typically relaxed mode of a number of Intelligence Cops officers, seen lounging around Northwood, without their Sword or Sam Browne. I Imagine that many other officers will have similar candid snapshots, in similar attire, perhaps taken by a friend or relative at a supper party or a casual garden party at a palace

According to Gok, Dylan has chosen well here, the Navy provides a touch of authority, the beret and braid hint that he is not afraid to play the pantomime queen. I can attest, ( for a fee) that this is normal working dress for many Intelligence Corps officers. I'm sure that Dave Cameron would endorse such informality, and would be quick to point out that this was NOT a posed picture, taken in a studio, some time after Dylan had left the Army.

Let us compare and contrast then with the Government, whom one would be a little more selective considering the recent questionable performance of one of their few ex military, and even scarcer Green bereted, army types, The renowned pamphleteer and essayist Mr Eric Joyce MP (Maj Retd) .

Where to go next to find a fine military man who will steer an unwavering course hard by the party line? Step forward workman-like accountant David Reeves . Like Dylan, David has gone for a candid snap, taken doubtless on his way from work in Bloomsbury to the Drill Hall one evening? As befits the Labour Party, David hails from the ranks, firmly aligned with the proletariat. The retro, workman-like C95, tells us that David, ( who I suspect is really "Dave" or "Dafydd") stands, like a good socialist, with the workers in his working dress. I suspect there is a lighter side to David as he may be teasing us slightly. Who knows one day we may know the truth: is he wearing a centre or side fastening stable belt?

What will the Party think if it does NOT fasten on the left. C95 is a good choice for David as it brings out both his complexion and his hair tone.

What to wear on the Middle Benches? A thorny question, perhaps Gok would suggest a little Khaki Service Dress? Chance to slip into those kitten heels, lengthening your profile and still, like Dylan, providing a chance to flaunt that hard-earned bling.

And the Fringe parties ? I sense they may look for a softer look.

After Beagle cross-dressing Adrian Radford, will the Greens ever trust the military, even if thev ditched The North Face and went for PCP Patagonia?

.... that dear reader is another story..............

"Oh Brother, how art though ?"

Over on the Army Rumour Service (yes I do contribute now and again) a potential `recruit` to the Intelligence Corps asks a question (a fairly valid one at that) relating to potential membership of the Freemasons and whether it would effectively give him problems.

Despite some `hijacking` of the thread (outrageous) by some extremely knowledgeable 3 to 33 degree Ninja’s and Yoda’s, postings by some of the more usual suspects to the `Int Corps Forum` have been surprisingly absent ! One wonders why this is so ????????

Of course, the potential junior intelligencer may have innocently rumbled on one of the best kept secrets in the British Army `The Kilo Sierra Lodge`, full of rituals and initiations so concealed and powerful in the world order that even the Royal Arch Mason Chapter is subservient!

I once heard two intelligencers (one of whom was off to the second city of Scotland) discussing the merits of another:

“ A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”

I did wonder if Proverbs (8:24) formed part of the curriculum of the OPMI course and then realised of course they were talking about each others promotion prospects !

To be continued …………………………………!

Note : The MOD press Office has denied that the picture above shows the recent `Intelligence Corps Day Pass Off Parade` - although those stain glass windows do appear rather familiar !

"Jumpers for Goal Posts" or "How to look good Nodal"

Since being commissioned by the Slime Dress Committee to improve even further their fashion sense - have you seen them jumpers WOW ! - we delve into secret communications between Gok and his adoring Intelligencia fashion fan base.

Bottom blues
Q: My big bottom makes me feel self-conscious and I constantly cover it up with big, baggy jumpers. I have to go to a winter exercise to Norway and just don’t know what to wear. Can you help?
WO2 John Peabody -Tidworth

A: Count yourself lucky you have a big, beautiful bottom. CRmeansceilingreached has made a fortune from having a major booty so don’t cover it up! A three-quarter sleeve square-neck tailored dress with kick pleats at the hem is your perfect style. The sleeves will finish at waist level and the square neck will broaden your shoulders, slimming your waist in comparison with your bottom. Top your outfit with a waist-nipping jacket that ends at your hipbone and you will wow the boys on your first briefing!

Nine to five
Q: At work I have to dress smart but feel uncomfortable in a suit – I have big man boobs, a small waist and a wide bottom. Can you suggest an outfit that will work but not set me apart from the Oxbridge crowd ?

SSgt Ken Holm - JTAC - "if it aint got `special`in the unit title I is PVRing"

A:You need a wrap dress as you have a gorgeous hourglass figure - fitness level dropped since leaving the SSR ? A wrap is sexy and works well for any occasion – it can be dressed up or down with accessories. Choose flattering jersey fabrics to smooth over curves (it will hide your Glock), opaque tights and round-toed shoes for a stylishly smart look. No Corps tie though try a dickie instead !

Boob boost
Q: I’m tall and skinny but have no boobs to speak of. What should I wear to make them stand out a bit, without having to resort to drastic measures?

Maj George (Lucy at weekends) London - The West Country (wink,wink)

A: If you’re not quite an A-cup, a push-up padded plunge bra pulls out all the tricks to help you make mountains out of molehills. The diagonal cut of the cups will make you appear curvier. Go for a high-legged thong to lengthen your leg with wide sides to emphasize your hips. Some white lace will give you a greater physical presence making you look more curvaceous and those guards will be blowing wolf whistles at you again as you cross the doughnut!

PS - Are you stlll in contact with Ian F ?

Short stuff
Q: I’m 5ft 2in and have short legs. The majority of trousers I try on are too long. Where can I shop?
LCpl Worthington, Birmingham ex REME – currently on OPMI basic

A: Your trouser heroine is Audrey Hepburn. Think flat-fronted, lean-legged tailored trousers. To lengthen your pins, wear your hemline low (to the bottom of your high heels) and your waistband slightly higher (just under the belly button). Soft, draping fabrics, such as fine wool, will work best to create a long, fluid line. Dorothy Perkins has a great range for you and in Squirrel Grey to boot.

Party on
Q: I’d like to wear a dress to impress at the Mess Christmas Ball. What should I get?

Lt Col Kevin H Wilde, Glasgow APC

A: The LCGD (Little Cypress Green Dress) has officially arrived! When you're after a heart stopping, jaw dropping little number, it's got to be Cypress Green ! The whole shape of the dress should work with your curves, pulling your tummy in, curving over your bott and elongating your legs with high waist detailing. Ensure though there is enough room for your miniatures !

"That's all for this week. Keep your letters coming in. I am off now to present some new ideas to the DHU – ditch those North Feaces and 511s its PVC or nothing Baby!"

PS - "Many thanks for the Intelligence Corps watch by the way - it is correct twice a day "

`Passport to Pimlico` or “Would you Adam and Eve it !”

Our links to Operatives section this week highlights that contributor to all things `undermission` - Mr `what shall I call myself this week` Ian/Adrian Farmer/Radford* (delete as applicable) who has opened up a school for following people.

You will recall Ian/Adrian a former (very) junior Sergeant in the Intelligence Corps was mentioned in a previous post as fond of dressing up as a dog – allegedly he was in fact auditioning for the role of `Nana` in a forthcoming `Peter Pan` panto !

Ian/Adrian and a motley crew from `Black Chrysalis` will teach – practically anybody it seems – the art of surveillance. The school will be using specialist military `coded` methodology ! Presumably this method was originated by egg laying vertebrates down in a market town in the Garden of England and subsequently stolen - or could that be reinvented?

Surveillance and Counter Terrorism ! Skills that Ian/Adrian is significantly experienced in - or so he claims himself ! However, I am informed by former real instructors and operationally experienced colleagues his Army Red Book would tell a different story !

“Talks a good Op” was the more eloquent statement that is publishable !

"Many a callsign await with excited anticipation his autobiography"

Obviously Ian/Adrian would not be so stupid as to use any actual codes ( I have seen some from my colleagues from the island joint unit) as this could possibly be construed as against the OSA. However, as the new training establishments name suggests, and keeping with the `coded method`, could users of the Capitals underground/buses and general pavement treading throngs soon be hearing the following (with brevity) whispered discreetly into collars:

A for Horses,
B for Mutton
C for Miles (or Seaforth Highlanders)
D for Kate (or D fer Ential)
E for Brick
F for Lump (or F fer Vescence)
G for Police (or G for Get It)
H for Consent (or H for Bless You)
I for Novello (or I for the Engine)
J for Nice Time (or J for Oranges)
K for Restaurant
L for Leather
M for Cream (or M for Sis)
N for Lope
O for the Wings of a Dove (O for the Rainbow)
P for Relief
Q for the Loos
R for Mo
S for you, you can take a hike (or S for Rantzen)
T for Gums (or T for Two)
U for Me (or U for Mism)
V for Espana
W for a Quid (or W for the Winnings)
X for Breakfast
Y for Mistress
Zee for Moiles (or Z for Wind)

“Gawdon Bennet! target gone surf an' dreft at da boozer an' straight along towards da shops. OK?”

“Blimey! drinks in a bar x ray drivin' towards da roundabaaaht an' turn second exi' towards da motorway 'eadin' london. Nuff said, yeah ?"

Complex semantic networks, quantum chromo-dynamics, stones Boolean theorems, Dactylic pentameter are all topics I have to contend with on a daily basis. However, measuring the outer limits of deep space must pale into intellectual oblivion next to “total irrelevance” and the emeritus professor of the “word association game”. Such originality, I'm sure there were at least 3 other threads running on this topic,

Meanwhile on one of the most secure military installations in the country http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/430668/For-Your-Thighs-Only-Spy-school-girls-secret-service-as-a-hooker.html the alleged wife of one of the enlisted has turned out to have an unusual extra-mural interest. I suppose if you are married to a JSSU Hobbit you need some outlet in life.

Local boy does well

I bumped into former boss Andy White at the Club recently.

He seems to be doing quite well for himself, I sometimes wonder if he has not put a few coppers noses out of joint going to the http://www.info4security.com/story.asp?storyCode=4115677&sectioncode=10 NSI.